It has been a few weeks since I last wrote and for my faithful readers and subscribers, I am truly sorry. The past few weeks have been very trying for me emotionally and spiritually. This military life and trying to figure out what to do with my life as MILSO ain’t no joke. Sorry for using the word “ain’t” but it is part of my southern charm.
About three weeks ago, I felt the urge to study the book of Romans in depth and start teaching the military community around me about salvation and how important it is to receive it. But within many of our military communities, there are hundreds of families that don’t know the Lord. They don’t even know anything about the bible or the importance of God’s word. I felt led by God to write devotionals on my studies for military wives in my community and those abroad. But as you can see, I have failed.
I let life and my own emotions get in the way. I let fear get in the way. I let self-doubt get in the way. I got in the way of God. Who else can relate? Raise your hand if you can and join the club of being human.
The past few weeks I haven’t felt prompted by the Spirit to write and not because God isn’t urging me to write, but because I got in the way of the Spirit working in my life the way it needed and wanted to. So, what did I do instead? Why, I did what most people do when they are feeling down, I moped and decided I was justified in my feelings. Sound familiar or like I’ve written about this before? Yeah, I probably have. I guess you could say I’m an emotionally moody Christian.
Even with all my emotions making me feel like I’m on a roller coaster, I have been able to find some peace and clarity in my life. I work in the field of library science and as most of you know, I love to read and have a huge passion for literacy. When my husband joined the Army, I had to give up a wonderful job and I truly believed I’d never have the opportunity to work in a library again, but I turned out to be wrong.
When we moved to Texas it took me seven months to land a temporary library job. It was just a temporary gig for six months and I took it because I figured they may like me and want to keep me on after my temporary time ended. I had high expectations for the job, but unfortunately, my expectations didn’t live up to reality. Through this experience, I’ve learned that sometimes our expectations and dreams aren’t always on the same page as God’s.
A few weeks ago, I was offered the full-time position permanently. Here I am, working a Master Degree level job without a degree and making good money. I’d be crazy to turn it down, right? No, not at all. I didn’t take the job and for the first time in the midst of my pain and trials, I felt at peace. I felt like I had finally made a right decision in my life.
This job took me away from the things that really matter in my life, but most importantly, it took me away from my time with God. I realized that making money is not the most important thing in one’s life and life is too short to stay in a job that makes you downright miserable and angry all the time. Through these lessons, I’ve learned to let go and let God do His work.
When I took this job, my plan was to save enough money for my education and finish something for myself. Because of God, I am now able to pay for the training in the field I so desperately want to be in for the rest of my life. Is it scary to think about going back to school for the first time in almost three years? Yes, it is, but I’m so excited for this next step in my life.
Not only am I excited about my time ending at the library (it was going to end in six months anyways), but I’m excited and nervous for what the Lord is calling me to do. He is calling me to step up in the ministry and to do more for Him. He is calling me out of my comfort zone and challenging me to trust in Him more. He is telling me it is time to do the work or else He will find someone else who will more than gladly do it.
Come tomorrow, I will officially be back to being a stay at home wife with no children. I used to think that made me a loser, but I’m starting to realize that it is exactly what I need right now in my crazy, lonely, stressful, beautiful life. I need a break from the world to just breathe in God and His word. I need some space from the public, to be alone in private with God, listening for His voice. I need this journey of self-discovery with God and I need to do it this way and there is no shame in that.
After tomorrow, I do plan on getting back into my daily writings for the blog. I still believe in the importance of teaching our military communities about salvation, so I plan on picking up back in our Romans Road to Salvation Journey study. I believe we all can benefit from refreshing our minds and hearts on the goodness of God’s grace towards us.
As this chapter closes in my life, and trust me when I say this, it has been one of the darkest chapters in my story thus far, I know a more beautiful one is beginning to be written. I’m praying and hoping to be a part of the scrub life very soon and being more involved in this military ministry that God has laid before me. Prayers are definitely appreciated as I study for my exams to get into the program of my dreams and that I will finally take a leap of faith and just be comfortable outside of my comfort zone for God and for myself.